


Don't Try to Save Me

by quicksilverdeancas (quicksilvermalec)



Series: Save Me 'verse [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: (he could be trans or not), Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Amnesia, Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Castiel and Dean Winchester Being Idiots, Castiel and Dean Winchester Fight, Castiel and Dean Winchester Get Married, Castiel and Dean Winchester Live Together, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel and Dean Winchester are Dorks, Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Castiel and Gabriel are siblings, Domestic destiel, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Established Relationship, Everything Hurts, FTM Dean Winchester, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gabriel Loves Sam Winchester, Gabriel and Sam Winchester Need to Communicate Better, Gay, Gender Ambiguous Sam Winchester, Kidfic, M/M, Married Destiel, Sam and Dean are Best Friends, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Trans Male Dean Winchester, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?, enjoy, gay wedding, this is BULLSHIT, trans male character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-06-28 09:43:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19809703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quicksilvermalec/pseuds/quicksilverdeancas
Summary: Dean Winchester's life has never been easy, but it was finally looking up. He had a fiancé he loved more than anything and a shot at that apple-pie life he'd always envied Sam for. So of course, the universe had to go and screw it all to hell.Sam Winchester thought that maybe, just maybe, his boyfriend was The One. And it kinda seemed like they were moving toward tying the knot. But shit happens, and sometimes 'shit' entails 'a super tumultuous emotional roller coaster that Sammy did not sign up for.'Rated T for strong language.





	1. And Unto Dean Was Born A Child

**Author's Note:**

> This might seem like an mpreg fic: it's not. Not really. Yes, Dean gives birth in chapter one, but Dean is a trans man. He has a uterus and vagina naturally, _at birth_ , so it is instead that a male-identifying person who was AFAB is having a baby. Which happens. Just a warning. 
> 
> I have also changed the SPN lord in Nephilim children to suit my own needs, so if you want something that stays really true to the show... look somewhere else?
> 
> Enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Gabriel," Sam murmured wonderingly. "You named your kid after my boyfriend." He said it like it was just a fact.
> 
> or
> 
> In which Dean is in physical and emotional pain, Sam is an amazing little brother, and an unexpected not-quite-guest pops in.

After the fact, Dean would remember very little.

He remembered screaming. He screamed for twelve hours, even after they brought him drugs. He remembered the excruciating pain that was the reason for him screaming so much. He remembered squeezing Sam's hand so tightly he was bizarrely afraid of crushing his wrist.

He remembered Gabriel showing up around hour 4 and flitting out again around hour 7.

He remembered how much worse it made everything that Cas wasn't there.

Ten weeks ago, Cas had abruptly disappeared. Dean had assumed everything was fine - just some routine angel business - until five days had passed of him not answering his cell or his angel radio.

Dean had had a full-blown panic attack.

"Cas can't go missing!" he'd screamed at his brother. "We're getting married in a month! I'm due in six weeks!"

"I know, Dean," Sam had replied calmly. "It'll be okay."

And Dean had choked through his tears, "if Cas isn't there when this thing comes out of me, I'm going to flip my shit. I'm going to kill me an angel, domestic violence be damned."

God, Dean had hated pregnancy. He couldn't take T for nine months because they didn't know what it could do to the baby, so he was dysphoric all the time. He was unfairly emotional, he cried too much, and it was really fucking humiliating. Besides that, he always wanted either salty chips or sugary doughnuts.

(Or both. *Violent shudder* Cas was very patient, but that was where he drew the line.)

But then, somehow, Dean broke through the post-pain haze as a tiny warm body with a tiny heartbeat was placed on his chest.

"H- hey," he whispered to his son. He giggled a little hysterically. "Sammy, look. I have a baby. He's my baby." He stroked the baby's head. "Hello, baby."

He took the opportunity, when they took the boy away to bathe and weigh him, to collect himself and attempt to come down off his painkiller high.

He smiled at his brother. "Hey there, Sam."

"Hi, Dean," Sam replied, flexing his wrist.

"You okay?" Dean asked, nodding at the hand he was rolling. Sam looked down at it in surprise.

"Oh, yeah," he laughed. "It's just- you're really strong."

Dean laughed with him as the doctors handed his child back.

"Does he have a name?" Sam hedged. Dean looked down at the kid.

"Cooper," he answered. "Cas and I agreed on Cooper. Cooper... _Gabriel_ Novak-Winchester," he decided. He paused for a second. "Winchester-Novak? We never got that far. We knew we were going to hyphenate but we just hadn't agreed on how before-"

Before Cas went silent. Before the Winchesters, collectively, between Dean's unanswered prayers and Sam's dreams of a flaming trench coat and what little information Gabriel could give them, had become 90% sure that Cas was dead.

"I like Novak-Winchester," Sam offered, probably just to break the palpable tension.

"Winchester-Novak it is," Dean muttered, ever the contrarian when it came to his brother. Sam huffed a laugh.

"You know, he'd be damn proud of you," Sam said after a minute. "Continuing on without him. I'm sure he's literally smiling down at you and his son - _his son_ \- from heaven."

Dean just looked back at Cooper. "I know," he said softly, staring at the person he'd barely known for ten minutes but had already become his entire world. "God, I love you, Coop."

"Coop?" Sam asked.

"Shut up," Dean muttered. "I am the Official Giver of Nicknames to Angels of the Lord."

"Cooper's not an angel."

"He's half angel. And besides, he's only existed for a quarter hour, I think it's too early to rule out any freaky angel-mojo shit."

But then Sam went quiet and gave his brother a funny look.

"What?" Dean asked.

"Gabriel," Sam murmured wonderingly. "You named your kid after my boyfriend." He said it like it was just a fact.

Dean sighed. "I don't know how much longer he's going to be your boyfriend, but yeah."

(Little did he know, Gabriel was two floors below them, psyching himself out too much to be able to get the words out the next time he saw Sam. He would be Sam's boyfriend for three more years.)

That set off all kinds of alarm bells in Sam's head, but he stayed silent and waited for Dean to elaborate.

"All my life I've sworn I was never going to name my kid after myself. I wasn't going to name him after Cas because that'd raise a lot of questions I don't want to answer. And I wasn't going to name him after you because you're still alive. But I really wanted to name him after _somebody_ , you know? Carry on the tradition. We were named after our grandparents; he'll be named after his uncle."

Dean turned his head to smile his 'I'm a little shit' smirk at his baby brother. "Plus, I knew it'd make you cry, girl that you are, so that was a bonus."

Sam looked unimpressed. "You just gave birth and you screamed your throat raw through the entire process. And _I'm_ the girl in this situation?"

Dean faked an 'I'm thinking' face. "Yes."

Sam punched his shoulder and he turned on a dime, twisting his torso, moving Cooper away from Sam and shielding him with his body. Sam smiled condescendingly.

"Aww, look at you with your motherly instincts already kicking in," he teased.

"Sammy, I may be curvy as hell and incapacitated in a hospital bed, but so help me God, I _will_ cut you."

"I love you too, jerk."

"Bitch."

Dean was released from the hospital four days later. He got back to the house he shared with Cas (and sometimes Sam and Gabriel, like now) and thought, _I miss you, baby. If you're dead, I hope you died quickly._

He sighed and walked into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and pulled out a beer, then he heard footsteps behind him.

"Sammy, if you're worried about the kid I just put him to -"

"Dean."

Dean whirled around, nearly dropping his beer as he threw a hand over his heart.

"Christ's sake, Cas, you scared the living shit out of- _Cas_?"

There he was, standing right in front of Dean, trench coat rumpled, hair still messy, blue eyes shining.

Castiel was back, and very much alive.


	2. The Glory of Angels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh, for fuck's sake, Sammy, you can have sex with your boyfriend later. Put some clothes on and get your lazy ass down here, this is important, I swear!"
> 
> or
> 
> In which Cas is back, and some questions that are raised are not answered, some questions are answered that were not raised, and Gabriel had insecurity and self-worth issues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter should be longer than the last one. I think. Don't quote me on that.
> 
> Enjoy!

"How are you here?" Dean choked out.

"You prayed for me," Cas replied simply.

"Oh yeah? Well I've got news for you, buddy - I've done that about ten thousand times these past ten weeks and you've only now answered!"

"I- you did? I don't..." Castiel paused, an adorably confused look gracing his face (pun intended).

"Cas, where have you been?" Dean demanded, sounding more like a lady trying to get her husband to confess to his affair than he'd intended.

"I don't know," Cas answered, and Dean could see the honesty in his eyes. "I really don't. I'm sorry, Dean."

"It's okay, Cas," Dean whispered, taking a few hesitant steps toward the man he loved. "Love, it's okay. We'll fix this."

Cas just stared at him in solemn silence, so he lunged forward and kissed him hard. Cas kissed back enthusiastically and Dean cupped one hand around the back of his neck.

Then he pulled away, still staring straight (gay) into Cas' clear blue eyes.

"Sammy," he shouted, not looking away from Cas, his eyes hungrily searching the angel's face, drinking in the details he'd missed so much for these last ten weeks. "Sam!"

Sam didn't call back down to him, so he grabbed his phone and dialed him up. It took him six rings to answer.

"What the fuck do you want, Dean?" he growled, and his voice sounded completely wrecked.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Sammy, you can have sex with your boyfriend later. Put some clothes on and get your lazy ass down here, this is important, I swear!"

"You're a jerk."

"Says the bitch who's still in bed at noon."

Sam sighed exasperatedly. "Ugh- jeez, Dean. Fine."

Thirty-eight seconds later, Sam strolled into the kitchen with impressive sec hair and an archangel in tow. He looked annoyed, but his expression cleared into shock once he saw who was standing behind Dean.

"Cas," he breathed. He pushed past his brother to hug the angel. Cas smiled at Gabriel over Sam's shoulder as he hugged Bigfoot back.

"We thought you were dead, Cassie. I- I can't believe you're here!"

"But here I am," Cas said as Sam released him and stepped away. Dean moved to his side almost too quickly.

"Dean," the angel murmured, "it's okay. It wasn't that long."

"It was _ten weeks_ , Cas!" Dean exclaimed. He buried his face in Cas' shoulder. "It was too long," he mumbled, muffled by Cas' trench coat.

Then Sam whisked Cas away into the living room to quiz him (probably on where he'd been for that particularly convenient period of time) and Dean and Gabriel were alone in the kitchen. It was the first chance Dean had had to talk to Gabe without Sam around for a while.

"So how did... you know, the Talk™ with Sammy go?"

Gabriel sighed and buried his face in his hands. "I couldn't do it," he muttered. "I was so afraid... I don't think he loves me as much as I love him."

Dean grabbed his wrists and pinned them to his sides, forcing the archangel to look at him.

"He does," he told his friend gravely. "Okay? Believe me, he does. I know my brother, and even though the both of us are... _really_ bad at feelings, I can tell you with certainty that he wasn't even like this with Jess. So just... take deep breaths, think about how much you love my moose of a brother, and get ready to pop the question! You still have the ring I picked out?"

Gabriel grabbed it out of his pocket. "Right here."

_About a month ago..._

"Heya, Dean-o!" Gabriel called as he slammed the front door of Dean's house behind him. "How ya doin'? Still miserable? Great! Come with me."

He grabbed Dean's arm and they were suddenly standing in the front parking lot of a shopping mall.

Dean glared at the Trickster angrily. "Dude, I so do not have time for this sh-"

"What?" Gabriel goaded him. "You need to get back to your incredibly important binge-drinking and _Captain America_ marathon? You have _nothing else to do_ , Dean."

Dean crossed his arms stubbornly and Gabe sighed. "Look, you need a distraction and I need some help. Or a lot of help. I'll owe you a favor."

Dean rolled his eyes. "What's wrong?" he asked grudgingly.

Gabriel took a huge, deep breath and blurted out, "Iwanttoproposetoyourbrother."

The hunter blinked at him. "Um... _what_?"

Gabriel exhaled slowly, avoiding eye contact with his friend. "I want to ask Sam to marry me," he repeated, more slowly.

"Wh- that's great, man! That's friggin' fantastic!" Dean asserted.

Gabriel looked relieved, and Dean wondered if he thought Dean still didn't approve of him saying his brother. "I, uh. Need you to help me pick out a ring."

Dean grinned slowly at him. "Oh, thank you _so much_ you absolute douchenozzle!"

He turned and took off toward the jewelry store, and Gabriel yelled confusedly after him. "For- for what?"

"For not letting me think about my own fiancé!" Dean shouted back.

_And back in the here and now..._

Gabe had two rings - one for himself and one for Sam. His was a joke; a plastic ring with a bowl of macaroni on the top of it. But Sam's was more serious. It was a thick white gold band with a small heart-shaped diamond in it, and engraved on the inside were the words, _for my Moose, love, your Trickster_.

And he'd chickened the fuck out and still hadn't given it to Sam!

(Dean was a little pissed.)

"Gabriel," he said sternly. "Talk to him tonight, okay? Go home and have a conversation."

"But Sam said-"

"You're staying with me for a week, I know, well guess what? Sam can get fucked. By you, most likely. This is way more important."

Whatever Gabriel was about to say was cut off by the sound of a small child in distress somewhere above his head. Dean was instantly on alert.

He tore out of the kitchen and through the living room to the stairs. As he passed, he saw Sam halfway out of his chair, but slowly sinking back into it now that he knew Dean had it under control.

Dean took the stairs three at a time and sprinted into his son's room to find-

Nothing. No supernatural creatures of any kind that might want to hurt his baby. Ah, well. You can never be too careful, especially in the Winchesters' line of work.

He collapsed with relief against the doorframe for a second before going over to the white crib to lift Cooper out of it.

He carried the Nephilim - and holy _shit_ that had only just occurred to him - downstairs to where Cas waited expectantly.

"Cas," he told his husband-to-be, grinning hugely. "This is Cooper Gabriel Winchester-Novak. Our kid."

Cas stared in awe and Dean noticed that Gabriel was staring, too, openmouthed. It took him a second to realize that Sam must not have told him. Gabriel had probably never heard Coop's middle name.

"I, uh, decided on the last name thing myself, I hope you don't mind," Dean murmured sheepishly as he handed Cooper to his Papi.

"No," Cas replied, smiling - though whether at his son or his lover Dean couldn't tell. "I think Winchester-Novak is better."

Dean smirked at Sam, who stuck out his tongue.

"Real mature, bitch."

"You started it, jerk."

And then Dean caught another glimpse of the ring in Gabriel's pocket, and thought about their conversation from earlier, and thought about that day a few weeks ago, and it hit him like a freight train.

Dean looked straight at Cas, a serious expression on his face. "Baby," he told his boyfriend, "we need to get hitched. Right. The fuck. Now."


	3. Mawwage, That Bwessed Awwangement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Well hey there, handsome," Dean murmured quietly. "What say I take you home tonight?"
> 
> Cas looked sheepish. "I wouldn't complain. I'm sure there's plenty that you could show me," he replied in just as low a voice, winking.
> 
> Dean felt all the blood in his body rush to his face.
> 
> or
> 
> Something finally goes right, and Dean finally lets it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the abrupt POV switch. 
> 
> Enjoy.

They did not get hitched right the fuck then. It took them almost six months to get everything together. But they fucking did it, and on October 15th, they had a wedding.

Dean stood stock-still at the end of the aisle, Sam slightly behind him and mirrored by Gabriel, behind where Cas would stand.

Ellen and Jo and Bobby and Charlie and Anna and, oddly, Crowley were all there, crying in their metal finding chairs, but Dean couldn't see them. As soon at Cas entered the room, he was the only thing on Dean's mind.

His suit was white - a pure, angelic white that made his eyes seem even deeper and more bottomless than they usually were. Sam had spent over an hour taming Cas' sex hair, so it was neatly slicked back and _way_ hotter than should be allowed. It was unfair.

He walked right up to Dean, grinning widely at him.

"Well hey there, handsome," Dean murmured quietly. "What say I take you home tonight?"

Cas looked sheepish. "I wouldn't complain. I'm sure there's plenty that you could show me," he replied in just as low a voice, winking.

Dean felt all the blood in his body rush to his face.

He was a little dizzy for the for most of the ceremony - he blocked it out. Once they made it to the vows, however, he tuned back in long enough to grin like a lovestruck idiot (which he totally was) and say some stuff about his man.

"Hey, Cas," he huffed out. "Look, I... I love you. That's all there is to say. I met a man - or, more accurately, a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent in a man's body - and I fell for him, and he fell for me - and Fell for me, capital F, too. That's the whole story. 'F course, it sounds so simple when I say it like that." He paused.

"It wasn't simple. There was a lot of hating each other and fighting with each other and toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia - thanks for that, John Winchester! - and wrestling with my sexuality involved, you know, all that good shit, but..." He laughed, a short burst of breath.

"In the end, when it comes down to it, I found my way to you, Cas. I'm here, and I'm not leaving any time soon. I swear it, on the ghost of my father who is, at this moment, probably watching my gay wedding with disgust and mentally disowning me from hell (I'm sorry, but there is no way you can convince me that my old man's in heaven). I won't let you go. I _will not_ , not when I've only just found you again."

But then Cas spoke, and Dean was drawn in, awed by the ethereal beauty of his ethereal boyfriend.

"I... don't really know how vows work, so I'm not ashamed to admit that I enlisted the help of your brother in writing mine." He took a short breath after his preface.

"Dean, I have known many humans in the millennia of my existence, but never one such as you. I have been conscious since humanity's beginning, but never have I been so drawn to a soul as I am to yours - to _you_. You're different. Brilliant, in every sense of the word. And I trust you, Dean. Were I human, and had a soul, I would trust you to weigh my soul. I feel more focused in your presence. You've taught me more about humanity than I had ever hoped to one day understand. But above all, I love you. I have - and would again - given up everything that I value for your safety, for you. For Sam too, because I love him, yes, but more so because _you_ love him, and I love you. You, Dean Winchester, are going to be the death of me, and what a glorious death it shall be."

His smile softened from Angelic Power to Loving Boyfriend. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

Michael, who'd mellowed out a little and gotten over his fixation with wearing Dean's skin, was presiding over the wedding. "Do you, Dean Winchester, take Castiel to be your husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?" he asked.

Dean laughed. "As if a little thing like death will stop us," he whispered, gripping Cas' hands tighter.

"And do you, Castiel, take Dean Winchester to be your husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?"

"Without a doubt," Cas answered with conviction, staring defiantly at Dean as if daring him to challenge him.

"I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss each other."

Dean surged forward before the archangel even finished his sentence and connected his lips to Castiel's. It felt better, somehow. The first kiss of their married life together.

* * *

"If you just got married, go dance!" the DJ shouted, and Dean grinned and pulled his husband into the dance floor. Sam watched with a smile that felt like it would never leave his face.

"If you're already married go dance!" Several couples stepped out. Gabriel walked over to his boyfriend, and Sam turned his infectious grin on him.

"How's it going, Samster?" Gabriel called. Sam snorted into his whiskey.

"So now I'm a hamster. Good to know," he muttered, but didn't find that his mood was dampened at all.

"Because you're adorable!" Gabriel exclaimed, defending his choice of nickname. Sam gave him his most threatening 'don't mess with me' glower and replied in the deepest voice he could manage.

"I am a hunter. I am the dark of midnight on a new moon. I strike terror into the hearts of women and men alike. I am not 'adorable'-"

"So sweet and precious," Gabe murmured, kissing his temple. Sam laughed his surrender and took another swig of his drink.

"If you're gonna get married, get out here and dance!"

**(I apologize for the abrupt POV switch)**

Gabriel looked at Sam and held out one hand, palm up. "May I have this dance?"

Sam cocked his head to one side, a smirk that was part amused and part confused playing at his lips. "We're not engaged?" he observed uncertainly.

Gabriel managed to smooth it over by saying, "I'd always sort of taken it on faith that you would someday succumb to my charms and marry me."

"So is this like a promise dance? An unofficial proposal?" Sam asked, smirking like a crime boss. Gabe's heart stopped in his chest as Sam accepted the outstretched hand and dragged him toward the dance floor. "I'll expect a ring."

Gabriel's mouth was dry. "Whatever you want, sweetheart," he murmured dazedly, and he meant it. He'd topple the hierarchy of heaven for this man, this gangly, oversized child he'd somehow come to love more than anything.

(Gabriel might have a small confession to make. He never did take take Sam back to their apartment that day that Cas came back to propose to him. Even after his conversation with Dean, he'd been too scared.

He wasn't scared now.

But he would be, in an hour. He really would be.)

* * *

Dean and Cas danced past Sam and Gabe, who were only a little bit dancing and a lot of bit kissing. Dean smiled and rolled his eyes fondly at them.

"Cas," he murmured.

"Dean?" his husband replied inquiringly.

"I love you."

Cas smiled. "I know you do, Dean. I know."

(The following day was Cooper's six-month birthday. Dean didn't even register it - at least, not on a level he was aware of. But once he'd woken in a cold sweat from a vivid nightmare of horrible things happening to his child it became clear that his subconscious knew.

He woke Cas up and asked him - no, practically _begged_ him - to stay awake with him.

Cas told him he was overreacting. Dean didn't care.

He didn't sleep the whole rest of the night.)


	4. The Kids Are Alright, It's the Adults Who Have A Problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Uh, hey, Dean," Sam piped up suddenly. "I think I found a case for us in Iowa-"
> 
> "Ap-ap-ap, Sammy, you know the rule. No hunter talk at the breakfast table." He stood up and went into the kitchen to grab a box. "Just let me get some soggy Cheerios in the little guy and then I'm all ears, okay?"
> 
> or
> 
> Dean's life is pretty damn awesome now that he's married, but something's up with Sammy, and not everything is as it seems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to credit the lovely writingisntapastime for being the greatest beta ever and literally saving this entire fic. I love you.
> 
> Enjoy!

Dean woke up around 9 am on the day that everything went straight to hell. The funny thing about that was he wouldn't even know it had all gone to hell until tomorrow.

He drifted slowly into consciousness, watching the dust illuminated by the sun drift around his and Cas' bedroom. There was a word for that...

He finally dragged himself out of bed and strolled down to the first floor where his husband was making pancakes in the kitchen. He smiled, wrapping an arm around his waist and kissing his hair (getting a lazy, "good morning, Dean" and a plate of pancakes and return) before making his way into the dining room.

A very tall, long-haired moose was attempting to maneuver a small child into a high chair and get his bib on him. The boy was refusing to budge, every inch of his Dada's pride and stubbornness showing through.

"Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh," he was mumbling, shaking his head frantically. When he saw Dean, he reached toward him with tiny, grabby hands, and Sam rolled his eyes before holding out his nephew to his brother.

Dean took his son from the Sasquatch. "Of course," he told his kid, not condescendingly, carefully avoiding the pandering tone people usually took with children. "Cause you're three years old, and you can feed yourself, can't you?"

He set Cooper down on a normal chair and dumped himself into the next one over.

"Cas, baby," he yelled over his shoulder. "Come eat!"

Cas materialized next to him, holding butter and syrup. "I still don't need to, Dean," he reminded the brunet. Dean smiled sweetly at him.

"But look me in the eyes and tell me honestly that you don't _like_ it," he challenged. Cas laughed.

"That I cannot do," he conceded, kissing Dean's temple before settling himself on Cooper's other side.

"Uh, hey, Dean," Sam piped up suddenly. "I think I found a case for us in Iowa-"

"Ap-ap-ap, Sammy, you know the rule. No hunter talk at the breakfast table." He stood up and went into the kitchen to grab a box. "Just let me get some soggy Cheerios in the little guy and then I'm all ears, okay?"

Same nodded, looking abashed but smiling nonetheless. "Okay, man. Just don't drop me on this one like that werewolf case in Omaha."

"Dude! Hunting-talk!" Dean hissed. Sam put up his hands in surrender.

About a year ago, Gabriel had broken up with Sam completely out-of-the-blue. It had taken everyone by surprise, but especially Dean. Sam had lived with Bobby for a while, but now he was staying with his brother and best friend.

And he tried not to let on, but Dean knew he was still fucking himself up about it.

Dean filled Coop's bowl with Cheerios and downed the last couple of bites of his pancakes before joining Sam in the living room to talk about the case.

"It's a small town in northern Iowa. Apparently some kind of demon covenant was formed there or something, I'm not quite sure. But it was big, Dean, a whole crapload of demon activity."

"When did this all go down?" Dean inquired.

"Three days ago," Sam answered.

Dean nodded. "Okay, let's go check it out."

"We should be able to get there with a couple hours to spare if we leave by-"

"Or," Dean cut his brother off, "we could have Cas angel-mojo us in and out."

Sam blinked at him. "Why didn't I think of that?"

"Because I'm the genius here," Dean called over his shoulder as he reentered the dining room.

"You- _you're_ the genius?!" Sam spluttered incredulously at his retreating back. As soon as he was sure he was obscured from his brother's view by the kitchen island, Dean doubled over in silent laughter. Cas watched him amusedly.

After he recovered from the ensuing coughing fit, he looked up at his angel. "You're going to be okay here without me?"

He asked Cas this same exact question before every hunt.

Cas sighed impatiently. "Dean, I've been taking care of Cooper while you went on hunts with your brother for three years. It'll be fine."

He gave Dean that exact same answer before every hunt.

Dean relaxed slightly, allowing the tension to seep out of his shoulders. "Okay," he breathed. "Can you mojo us to Iowa?"

Cas smiled in reply and followed Dean over to Sam, placing a hand on each of them, and they vanished.

Cas exhaled audibly and turned back to his son. "Okay, Cooper. You want to watch _Sesame Street_?"

* * *

Dean and Sam landed in the parking lot in front of a motel. Dean glanced worriedly at Sammy, who was staring at the building as if it had personally offended him.

"Hey, can I have one of our faked-up credit cards?" he pressed to try and pull the kid out of his trance. Sam looked startle by his voice.

"Oh, uh, yeah. Sure, here," he said, handing over the small piece of plastic.

"Sammy."

"Mm?"

"Go take a break," Dean advised. "Like, now. You obviously need it."

Sam nodded, sighing, and turned away. Dean watched him for a second, then walked into the motel to reserve them a room.

Three hours later, Sam came back to their room, covered in blood and pus and sporting a dislocated shoulder and a gash on his forehead.

"The fuck did you do, Sammy?" Dean shouted, jumping to his feet in alarm.

"Solved the case." Sam sounded hoarse and weary as he replied, dropping his body into a chair like it was made of lead. "Killed some demons with Ruby's knife. Exorcised some demons with my mind. Come set my arm."

"Jesus fucking-" Dean muttered, but stepped over to him and took a deep breath, placing a hand on either side of his shoulder.

"You know the drill. On three. One-" He wrenched the ball back into the socket, and Sam gritted his teeth.

"Oh, that never gets any easier," Sam muttered, wincing.

"Tell me about it," Dean said, leaning back on the heels of his hands on one of the beds.

To an outside observer it would have sounded like Dean was merely agreeing with his brother's statement about dislocations. Only Sam knew that Dean was really saying, _what's going on with you?_ , knew that he was extending an open invitation for Feelings Talk - a gesture so rare, from Dean, it would've been insane for Sam not to take him up on it 

Sam was silent for a very long time. Just when Dean was starting to think that Sam wasn't going to answer it at all, he softly started to speak.

"The night of your wedding. Gabriel, he... he said that he wanted to marry me. He didn't propose that day, but he all but handed me a promise ring. Skip forward a year and a half, we're still not engaged so I buy a ring to propose to _him_ and then he just dumps my ass like I never meant anything to him.

"And before you say anything, yeah. I know. I should be over him at this point, but I... I'm not. I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone besides you."

Dean shifted uncomfortably. He was really bad at this whole 'feelings' thing.

"It took you more than a year to get over Jess," he pointed out, not maliciously, just observing. "I think that's just the way you are, Sammy. You love people like that. You love deep enough to sacrifice everything for them. That's why it hurts so much to lose."

Sam snorted to himself. "Maybe. Or maybe I'm just broken. Damaged goods. I-I wish he would talk to me." He hung his head heavily, like he didn't have the energy to hold it up anymore. "I guess I just saw you and Cas this morning and I couldn't help thinking about how badly I had wanted that with him."

 _So, this will probably be a total disaster and/or really fucking awkward_ , Dean decided. _But screw it. This is my brother, normal rules no longer apply._

Dean reached over hesitantly to place his hand on Sam's uninsured shoulder. "I think you still could, Sam," he murmured honestly. "I think if you went to him tomorrow and told him that you still love him so much, that he would talk to you, take you back, even. I think you should give it a shot."

Sam looked at him solemnly but didn't say anything else.

Dean sighed and stood up to go take a shower.

* * *

"Night, Coop," Cas whispered, putting the child into his crib and smiling lovingly down at him.

He turned and exited his son's room, grabbing the baby monitor off the wall and going to take a shower.

As he entered the bathroom, he suddenly felt extremely dizzy. He gripped the edge of the counter to maintain his balance until his vision cleared up. Once it did, he turned around to face the bathtub to turn on the faucet.

He collapsed on the floor.

Not even Cooper could hear him scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted twice today! I AM A GOD!


	5. Everything Goes to Shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Hey, Cas._ Dean was praying, and from a great distance away, it would seem. _We're done here. It'd be awesome if you could come and get us._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you guys. You're the best. 
> 
> Enjoy!

* * *

_I am dying_ , Castiel thought. _This is what it feels like to fade from existence. And no one will ever know I was here at all._

It was like there were ringing bells and flashing lights and police sirens and jackhammers and flush photography, all inside his head at once. It was pure agony, the mind of unbearable pain that creates a haze in one's mind, a mental barrier. All that existed was the torture.

And then, as abruptly as it had started, the anguish ceased. It was simply gone, and he felt no more.

He looked around himself in confusion. "Dean?" he called timidly, uncertainly. He stepped out into the hallway and repeated a little louder. There was still no answer.

He tried calling for Sam, next. And nothing.

"I wonder where they went," he mused aloud to himself. He walked past a window and noted that the sun had gone down. Upon further contemplation, he became aware of physical and psychological fatigue. He decided to sleep.

He didn't technically need to sleep, being an angel and everything, but he found it was pleasant to retreat from his corporeal form on occasion.

It was likely several hours (given the presence of daylight when he returned to himself) but it felt like only a few seconds before Cas heard a voice in the back of his mind, like someone pulling gently on a string.

 _Hey, Cas._ Dean was praying, and from a great distance away, it would seem. _We're done here. It'd be awesome if you could come and get us._

Cas opened his eyes and turned his energy inward, following the tugging and pinpointing the Winchesters in Iowa, popping into existence next to them.

He smiled at them before laying a hand on each of their shoulders and pulling them through space and time back to their house.

Cas leaned against the inside of the front door, but Dean went up the stairs, followed closely by his brother.

Cas pressed his palm to his forehead and squeezed his eyes shut, unable to shake the disturbing feeling that he was missing something.

He only opened his eyes again when he heard running footsteps. He looked in surprise at the boy who was sprinting toward him screaming "Papi! Papi!" while Dean looked on with love in his eyes.

Automatically, Cas bent to pick up the boy. "Hello, tiny human," he said fondly.

Dean snorted and Cas looked up to met his eyes. "'Tiny human'?" the brunet echoed disbelievingly. "You've never called him that before."

Cas simply shrugged, unsure what the proper response to that should be. Dean sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Uh- Cas, baby, I really didn't get enough sleep last night so I'm gonna go lie down, okay? Just... make sure he eats."

"Okay, Dean. However, I believe it would be prudent for me to know; what does he eat?"

Dean goggled at him like he'd grown an extra head. "Are you alright?" he asked rhetorically. "You know this, you've been feeding Cooper for years." Then he sighed. "I don't have the energy for this. Cheerios or baby food, just... make it happen."

"Of course, Dean," Cas replied amicably, shouldering 'Cooper' higher and turning away from the stairwell. When he glanced back, Dean had disappeared and been replaced by his brother.

"Oh, hello, Sam," Cas greeted him, even though the hunter appeared preoccupied with something else. "Is there anything I can do for you before I feed this child?"

"Um..." Sam stared at him, looking as if he couldn't really see Cas. "No, not at all. I'm just gonna... go."

"Very well. Will you be back tonight?"

"Not if all goes well."

* * *

Sam, much to his own surprise, had permission to take the Impala. When he had asked, he hadn't expected Dean to agree, but the older hunter had just tossed him the keys and casually reminded him that if he crashed her he'd be drawn and quartered.

He sat in the driver's seat for ten minutes, parked outside of the small one-bed one-bath he used to rent - yes, rent. Sam was an absolute sucker.

Finally he managed to pull the shit he had for self-esteem together enough to get his body out of the car.

Then he leaned against the hood and had a fifteen minute long anxiety attack.

It would have lasted longer had he not gotten a call from Dean.

"Hey, kiddo. You good?"

"Fine, Dean. Just fantastic. I can't believe I let you talk me into this."

"Oooookaaaaay, Sammy. Listen up. You're the boss. You're gonna go in there and you're gonna tell him what's what, okay? And it's gonna be okay, right? It's going to be just fine."

Sam took a couple deep breaths. "It's going to be fine," he echoed hollowly, nodding to himself.

He hung up the phone, exhaled loudly, and made his way up the front walk to the door of the townhouse. He knocked twice.

It seemed like a year before the door opened.

It almost immediately closed again, and Sam threw out a hand to hold it ajar. "Please," he whispered, knowing he wouldn't have the strength to knock again. "Just hear me out."

"If you're here to yell at me I'm telling you right now that I'm not interested."

"I'm not," Sam promised hurriedly. "Please, I just... can I come in?"

Gabriel sighed and opened the door wider, stepping out if the way to allow Sam to enter.

Sam made his way to the kitchen table, a route he could've made in his sleep. Even without his things, the apartment was still arranged exactly as it had been when he had lived there.

"Well haven't you changed so much," he remarked snarkily, smirking a little as he sat down. He wasn't looking at the archangel, so he missed the look of surprise that flitted across his face.

The blond settled himself across from Sam, but didn't say anything. After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Sam spoke.

"Okay, I guess I'll go first," he quipped. "Uh, hi, my name is Sam, he/him, I'm a health nut, I'm crazy in love with you-"

Gabriel stared at him. " _Sammich_..."

Gabe had many nicknames for Sam. He'd been calling him everything he could fit 'Sam' into as long as they'd known each other. But 'Sammich' was by far his favorite (and Sam's, even though he'd never admitted to it).

Gabriel looked down, gracing an invisible design on the table's wooden surface with his finger. "Why are you here?"

Sam stiffened a little. "I thought we could talk. About... about this. Us."

"Us?" Gabriel repeated incredulously. "We've been separated for almost a year and _now_ you want to have this conversation?"

He didn't sound angry or upset, just like he didn't think Sam was being truthful.

"I didn't want to ever have this conversation, Gabriel," Sam replied sharply. He winced at his own tone before softening a little. "Dean told me I was being an idiot."

"Did he now," Gabriel murmured. "Nice of him to return the favor."

Sam almost laughed at that, but there was something subdued in Gabe's tone that stopped him, like his heart wasn't really in it.

"I," Sam started, then stopped, finding himself at a loss. Gabriel looked up at him, then, and his eyes were glistening.

"I-I'm so sorry, Sam," he whispered. "I never wanted this for you."

Sam looked at him, not judging, just assessing, and calmly asked, "then what _did_ you want for me?"

Internally, he marveled at how well he was keeping his head in comparison to how he'd been outside the house.

The archangel looked so pitifully remorseful that Sam kind of wanted to wrap him in blankets and give him a mug of hot chocolate.

"Marriage. And kids. A house in the hills, your dream job, the apple-pie life you left John and Dean for. Not... this." He gestured to everything around them, including himself. "Not heartbreak and dirty laundry and _me_ , your borderline-alcoholic ex who's still obsessed with you even though I ended it, even though I'm not worth all this, even though I never deserved you."

There were so many things in that confession that Sam wanted to dispel from Gabriel's mind he didn't even know where to start.

"You're not worthless," he murmured. "You're not. I loved you - fuck, Gabriel, I still do - and you know that I'm not one to waste my time on worthless people. Idiots, maybe. But you were never an idiot, and I've never regretted a single second I spent with you.

"And also, quite frankly: fuck what you wanted for me! I really, honestly, genuinely just don't care. Because all I ever wanted was you, Gabe. Don't you get it? You're it, for me. You're everything."

"How can say that, after all that I've done, after all that I've hurt you?"

"Gabriel-" Sam's voice came out a strangled whisper and he realized he wasn't entirely sure what he wanted to say.

But then he thought of something.

"Why did you leave me?"

Gabriel sighed, tear tracks still visible on his face. "Sam, I was-I was so _goddamn_ insecure and I was already screwing shit up between us and I just thought-"

"You thought wrong!" Sam shouted, suddenly furious - although, no, it wasn't sudden. He'd been angry about this for a year, but his rage had been hiding under the pain, and this was finally bringing it to the surface.

"You didn't screw anything up, Gabriel! Not until you left me behind like a piece of trash! We were fine! Shit between us was great! And you went and you fucked that right to hell, didn't you!"

There was a long, bottomless silence, and then the archangel muttered, "that was a lot of exclamation points."

All the tension drained out of Sam's body at once. "There you are," he laughed with relief, and when Gabriel opened his mouth to ask _what does that mean_ , Sam surged forward to cover it with his own.

The kiss was short, and slow, and gentle, like the promise of many more to come. And when it was over, when Sam was centimeters from a celestial being who could destroy him a million ways with a thought, when their breath was mingling and Sam's hands were fisted in Gabriel's shirt, the hunter laughed softly again.

"I was wondering where my Trickster went."

Just for that, Gabriel had to kiss him again.

And later, of course, they would need to have the extremely cliched and awkward 'Are We Getting Back Together' talk, but for now, everything was fine, just like Dean had said it would be.

At least for five more minutes, until Sam's phone rang with a call from the motherfucker.

"Sammy, get home. Something's wrong with Cas."

* * *

Castiel didn't seem, upon examination, to have anything wrong with him. His body appeared unhurt, his Grave was intact, and his mental and psychological state seemed perfectly acceptable.

But still.

Here he was, this child, this boy that Castiel had never seen before, with messy, tangled black hair that mirrored the angel's own, and right there on his face were Cas' own blue eyes looking back at him, but that was Dean's nose, thise were Dean's cheekbones.

Yes, Castiel was definitely missing something.

He peered at Apparently-Cooper, who was stuffing his cheeks with baby-fists full of breakfast cereal.

"Hello," he said wonderingly, reaching out toward the boy with his left hand. He suddenly froze, with his arm halfway extended.

There was a ring on his ring finger. The placement of the ring wasn't particularly unexpected - it was it's presence on his hand at all that Cas found surprising.

"Cas?" he heard from behind him. He turned to look at his boyfriend. (Husband? Could that be the meaning of the ring?)

"That was quick," he commented, smiling.

"Couldn't sleep," Dean mumbled blearily. "You okay?"

"Dean," Cas began in the inquiring tone he always used to ask about human things he didn't understand. "Why am I wearing a ring?"

Dean's eyes widened fractionally. "Um... because we're married?"

"Oh," Cas replied. "Are we? When did that happen?"

Dean wore the same expression he had when Cas had first told him, "I'm an angel of the Lord" - shock, mingled with disbelief and colored with confusion.

"Three fucking _years_ ago? Right after I had Coop, right after your little un-funny disappearing act?"

Cas cocked his head to one side. "Dean, I have no memory of this. What is today's date?"

"Uh, August 13th, 2024."

"Ah," Cas said, unperturbed. "I had been under the impression that it was March of 2020. Interesting."

Conversely, Dean seemed to be, as Sam would say, 'losing his shit'.

"You don't-" Dean sounded like he was unable to draw air into his lungs. "You don't remember our wedding?! You remember being married to me." He turned away, but Cas still caught his muttered, "I'm gonna die."

He pulled out his phone to call Sam. Watching him talk to his brother with choking, all-consuming despair in his voice, Cas couldn't help but feel he'd made a devastating mistake.

He hated that he couldn't remember what it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit's getting real...
> 
> Love,  
> -Sil


	6. True Love, Fallout, and Obsessive Research on the Nature of Magic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean loved Cas. Sam loved Dean, so even if he hadn't loved the angel himself, he would've done this for his brother.

"Dean, I'm kind of in the middle of something here. I can't come back to your place right now. What's going on?"

"I don't know," Dean's voice on the other end admitted. After a beat, there came, "oh, shit. _Fuck_! I forgot you were talking to Gabriel, I'm-I'm so sorry Sammy. We'll talk later, yeah? Yeah."

Dean abruptly hung up, and Sam stared at his phone in confusion for a second before turning back to Gabriel and sighing.

"Look, I-I can't get over you. I can't move on, I can't stop thinking about you, wondering if there was something I could or should have done. So, Gabe, if I asked - and just to be clear, this is me asking - would you take me back?"

Gabriel smiled sadly at Sam with boundless remorse in his eyes. Very quietly, he replied, I don't think you should be asking me that." At Sam's shocked and confused look, he clarified, "I think that it should be the other way around. I think that I should be asking whether you'll accept _me_ back."

"That was never in question," Sam breathed. "If it's you, just you, then yes. Always. Everything you want."

"Everything?" Gabriel repeated softly. Sam nodded, maybe too eagerly. Gabriel reached slowly into his pocket, pulling a small object into his fist. He stared down at it for a second, his mouth set into a thin line.

Sam wasn't an idiot. In fact, he was a generally pretty smart dude (humble brag [retired bit **(someone please get this)** ]). But he was also overly emotional, as Dean had stressed to him on several occasions.

Because of this, Sam couldn't tell whether the idea that had just jumped into his head about what Gabriel was holding came from the logical part of his brain (this makes rational sense) or the hopeful part (this is what I _want_ it to be).

It didn't matter, though, because Sam's phone rang again, and Gabriel's expression snapped shut, and he slid the thing back into his pocket. Sam sighed and answered.

"Cas doesn't remember ever marrying me or raising our child. In fact, he doesn't even remember me being pregnant. He has amnesia back to 2020, Sammy. I'm- please, I really need you right now."

In the background, Gabriel began to belt, "I need you, I need you, I need you right now."

"Shut the fuck up," Sam snapped.

"Okay, fine then," Dean replied, sounding wounded.

"No, not you. Gabe's being an asshole. I'm on my way."

He hung up.

"We're going, okay douchebag?"

* * *

It took Sam six minutes and twenty-three seconds to drive to Cas and Dean's house from Gabe's (and his? Question mark?) at 75 miles per hour.

In the city.

It was a good thing he had an archangel in the car with him to protect himself and all the other drivers, because if he hadn't, he would've absolutely crashed, and then he would've been drawn and quartered by his brother.

"What the fuck happened?" he demanded before he was even all the way over the threshold and into the house. Cas stared at him, completely chill.

"We have come to the conclusion that I have four years' worth of amnesia," the angel said matter-of-factly. Dean was apparently trying to force the memories back into his head purely by force of will and the figurative daggers he was staring at just husband's black hair.

"Because apparently I impregnated him, then missed our original wedding date due to going missing to a location unknown, he gave birth, and then he reappeared and we were married."

There was a long silence as they digested this information that they had already been privy to.

"And then we raised Cooper, obviously. But I don't remember that part at all. I didn't even know that Cooper existed until yesterday."

Sam wanted to collapse on the floor. "Jesus _fucking_ Christ," he groaned. Gabriel gave him an indiscernible look and Castiel just kept staring at Dean.

"Please refrain from taking the Lord's name in vain," he murmured. Sam ignored him, turning to his brother.

"So," he said. Dean stared at him blankly.

"So?"

" _So_ , he's your husband. What do we do?"

Dean wrinkled his nose in a way that would have been endearing and adorable if not for the fact that it was tinged with notes of defeat and despair that Sam couldn't even begin to unpack.

"What you're best at, Sammy," he replied with muted distaste. "Research."

* * *

They got to work. Everything I could find on amnesia spells, curses, potions, whatever - because it was way too precise to be accidental - cross-referenced with everything that could affect an angel.

By the end of the day, they had exactly zilch.

Thanks to all the Cas chaos, Sam's love life (and Important Conversations™ he needed to have with Gabriel) got shoved to the outskirts of his priority list.

Dean loved Cas. Sam loved Dean, so even if he hadn't loved the angel himself, he would've done this for his brother.

But in all honesty, Sam had expected Gabriel to pack up and mojo back to his apartment at the first mention of research.

He hadn't.

Eventually, Sam realized that it was because Sam loved Cas, and Gabriel loved Sam (as well as Cas, being his little brother and all), and in top of that, he wanted to prove to Sam that he wasn't going to leave again.

Sam found comfort in that as he stared at the ceiling that night.

The next day, Gabe archangel-mojoed them to Bobby's place (they almost gave the poor man a heart attack) and they scoured his library, too.

They were still at nada by the end of the day too, although they were only about a third of the way through Bobby's books.

But the next day, everything started to go in the right direction.

Sam was leaning against the bookcase, reading the same sentence over and over again. Dean was seated on the floor, a nest of books all around him, looking at mostly pictures. Gabriel entered the room with a lollipop hanging loosely from his mouth and he would clear glass bowl of popcorn in his hands. Sam eyed it disapprovingly.

"I don't think you understood what I meant when I said, 'please provide us with refreshments'. I meant sandwiches and lemonade or something, not junk food that's going to give me diabetes."

"Popcorn," Gabriel said, throwing a handful into his mouth for emphasis (and _oh_ that's gotta be so gross mixed with a blue-raspberry flavored lollipop), "is a perfectly acceptable snack food."

"Yes," Sam shot back, "for _snacking_. It's 12:30, we should be eating lunch by now."

"Pfft. Lunch? Never heard of her."

Sam rolled his eyes at his maybe-boyfriend and then drop them back to the page. His gaze fell on a random word - a name - and he almost choked.

So many things clicked together in his mind.

"Hey, Dean," he said casually. Dean looked up to indicate he was listening.

"I mean… We always have another option. We could just…" He made a vague telephone motion with his hands.

His brothers eyes widened. "You don't mean-"

"Yeah. Why not, right? I mean, I have his number in my phone, it wouldn't be too hard to-"

"No, there's no fucking way he'll help us."

"Never know unless you try, do you?" Sam asked, shrugging. "And besides, do you have any better suggestions? Because if so I'm all ears."

Dean sighed. "No…" he admitted.

"Great!" Sam pulled out his phone and tapped the name. It only rang once before the line clicked.

"What?"

"Yeah, hi. It's Sam Winchester. We need a favor..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry my schedule is so fucked up. I didn't mean it to be, it just sorta... happened. But chapters 7 and 8 are written, I just have to digitize them and then they'll be in your hands. 
> 
> Love,  
> -Sil


	7. Some Crazy Third-Act Conflict

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit gets real. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PENULTIMATE CHAPTER HERE WE COME!!!
> 
> (I promise all will be resolved in the next one.)
> 
> Enjoy!

"So you want me to examine your little angel friend and tell you what's wrong, is that it? Take a little peek inside his mind?"

"Yep," Sam said, popping the 'p' loudly.

Crowley looked overjoyed. "Wonderful! Now, I'll need the two of you out, and Gabriel as well."

Sam and Dean looked at each other and then back st Crowley.

"But I'm his best friend!" Sam protested, his voice overlapping with his brother's indignant cry of "but I'm his husband!"

"And the both of you," Crowley began slowly, like he was talking to a child, "are in my way. Now shoo!"

Sam sighed and walked out of the room. In the doorway, he turned and looked back over his shoulder at Idiot Winchester, who was standing frozen, staring at his husband with undisguised longing.

"Dean," he called, not unkindly. "It's time to go."

Dean sighed but turned and tailed his brother out of the room.

Crowley was still staring right at Cas with great interest. "What's inside that pretty little head of yours, hmm, angel?" he wondered aloud, gently placing a forefinger on either of Castiel's temples.

"Are you ready?" the demon asked seriously, any trace of the joking expression he'd worn only moments before gone. "I have no idea if this will hurt - _or_ , for that matter, if it will work."

Cas simply nodded, and the room around them faded to white.

Not as in they were standing in a white room - it had no defined walls or floor or ceiling so it couldn't be accurately labeled "a room" - more like they were standing _in_ the color white.

Castiel and Crowley, side by side, in this pure, unbroken whiteness. Cas looked at his demonic mental houseguest, who shrugged, and they began to walk.

As they moved, huge rectangles, like enormous video screens, popped up in a neat line on either side, playing what were obviously Cas' memories. However, they were all centered around one person: Dean, his charge, and the love of his very long life.

Watching him grow up, remotely, from heaven. Meeting him in person for the first time, along with the one stray thought that had popped up when he did so - _this one is even more magnificent up close_. Their seemingly opposing sides, fighting each other, and eventually falling in love.

The memories stopped on March 28th, 2020, before picking up again on August 13th, 2024.

In the gap between them, far above the angel and demon sharing this mind-space, was a monstrous thundercloud. It was huge, and steadily growing.

It was pure black, with blood red strikes of lightning shooting through it. It was utterly terrifying. Castiel shied away from it just as Crowley moved toward it.

He walked right into the heart of the storm, so far that he was obscured from Cas by the swirling clouds. He disappeared for what felt like hours. Cas stood stock-still where he was and waited for Crowley to come back out.

He did, after far too long, and he stared at Cas grimly before he placed a hand on his forehead and they both resurfaced.

"Wonder Twins!" Crowley shouted into the hallway. "We have an update for you."

* * *

"So the big dark cloud was..." Sam prompted yet again.

"Magic," Crowley answered - yet again. "Or rather, a manifestation of magic. But it can affect Castiel because it is fueled by - and tethered to - Lucifer's Grace."

"Wait - _Lucifer_?" Dean sputtered. "You didn't mention that before."

"Yes. Lucifer is behind this."

"But what's he even doing?" Sam demanded. "Like, I get that he's taking Cas' memories but to what extent?"

"Well," Crowley told him. "It appears as if he's centering around Dean. He is devouring Castiel's memories of Dean - and, subsequently, of happiness. Of course, he's still trapped in Hell, so he couldn't have done this in person, but he can work through others. I think that he enlisted the help of a witch to perform a somewhat custom-tailored spell and allowed them to tap into his Grace for whatever power they needed."

"So he created a new spell and then superpowered some random witch with his angel juice?" Dean sounded highly skeptical.

"Yes," Crowley sighed in exasperation. "That is what I just told you."

"But then why would Lucifer want to take Cas' memories? Why does he care? What are his motivations?" the older Winchester mused.

"Do you think it has anything to do with... me?" Sam asked timidly.

"No," Crowley said immediately. "Michael's over wearing Dean like a skin suit, I think Lucifer's moved on as well. He's still bitter about it, though, so he's probably trying to make the both of you miserable."

"As retribution?" Sam looked baffled.

"Exactly."

"Okay," Dean said commandingly. "So all we have to do is find this witch, interrogate her about Cas, and get her to reverse her spell. Then Cas'll have his memories back and I can return to my Regularly Scheduled Life™."

Cas spoke for the first time. "Or not," he suggested.

All three heads whipped to him. "What?" his apparently-husband whispered, seeming terrified.

Cas cleared his throat, steeling himself for Dean's reaction. "Dean," he murmured, "I love you more than anything. But have you ever considered that maybe I don't _want_ to know?"

"I'm, uh, gonna go talk to Gabriel," Sam said weakly. Crowley didn't even bother to give an excuse, just popped out of existence and left them alone together.

"You don't?" Dean whispered, horrified. There were tears building in his eyes.

"Maybe I don't want this life! Maybe I don't care about the Castiel you married because _I'm not that person anymore_!"

Dean looked abruptly angry. "Cas, all I wanted was my husband back! Because I look at you at you and I see the angel that I fell in love with, but when you look back you don't see me. You don't look at me like you always have anymore, you don't look at me like I expect you too. And that is the single most painful thing that I have ever experienced!"

Hell didn't even come close, said his eyes.

Castiel allowed himself to fight back. "You're talking about all this as if it will be easy, like anything we have came easily, like _any of this_ has ever been easy!"

Dean sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "No, Cas, it's not easy. But maybe that's why it's important. Maybe that's why it matters, _because_ it's hard. Because we have to fight for it, because I have to _fight_ for you, to keep you with me. I love you, Castiel Winchester."

Those last five words were a broken sigh, and Cas felt his heart break a little with them.

"I don't know you," he told the hunter quietly before shoving past him out of the room.

He slept in the guest bed that night.

* * *

"Hey, Gabe," Sam greeted softly, settling down on the couch next to his distracted boyfriend. "What's on your mind?"

"Sambo, do you really think I'm worth all of this? I hurt you-"

"Yeah, you did, and I was pissed about it for a year, but I love you and I want you in my life forever."

Gabriel smiled gently at the boy he loved so much, his hand finding its way into his pocket and gripping Sam's ring like a comfort object.

"I love you too, Samburger."

Sam laughed recklessly at the name, his eyes crinkling at the corners, and it was blindingly beautiful.

"So, are you okay, then?"

"I'm always okay when you're here."

And then Sam was crying with him. "Yeah, me too. You pretty much _are_ my self-confidence."

Gabriel looked at him, right there on the couch, so close. He could reach out and touch him if he wanted.

But he also couldn't. That thought hit him like a train. All this time he'd been trying so hard to hold everything together, to make something happen that just wasn't supposed to be.

He wasn't good for Sam. Sam wasn't his. Sam was Castiel's, and he was Dean's, but he wouldn't be Gabriel's. He couldn't. He never had been and he never would be.

"Oh, God," he groaned, not even possessing of enough energy to say 'Dad' instead. "Fuck fucking _fuck_."

"What's wrong?" Sam asked him, suddenly concerned.

Gabriel hugged his knees, not answering for a minute. Once he'd gathered himself, he confessed, "I'm such an idiot."

"Why, though?" Sam looked adorably confused.

"I don't think we're supposed to be together," he admitted under his breath, not looking at his boyfriend.

"Why- why do you think that?" the hunter breathed, sounding alarmed. Gabriel exhaled softly.

"I've been trying to propose to you for three years."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if I get a good enough response, I might even write a little epilogue. If you guys want. 
> 
> Love,  
> -Sil


	8. Pie a la Mode For Everyone If We Can Fix This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He would definitely never forget the look on his brother's face as he gazed at Sam. He looked like he was holding the most precious thing in the universe.
> 
> Cas knew the feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are, people. This is the end. (Hold your breath and count to ten... or not.)
> 
> This was fun. I hope you liked it as much as I did.
> 
> So for the last time...  
> Enjoy!

"He doesn't 'want this life', Sammy! What the fuck does that mean?"

Dean was pacing. He was probably wearing a hole in the carpet and he wasn't actually holding a conversation with his brother, seeing as said brother was sitting on the end of his bed, not paying attention to Dean in the slightest and venting about his own love interest.

He scrubbed both hands down his face. "Did you know about this, Dean? He wanted to marry me!"

Dean passed in front of him again. "And he doesn't want to remember. He doesn't care about the life we built together or about me, the guy he married!"

"Why does he think we're not supposed to be together? Does he think that his many aborted proposals are some sort of _sign_ that he's not meant to marry me?"

"So then what do I do? Is it selfish of me to want my real husband back? You know what, don't answer that. Of course it is. But is it morally wrong? If I go behind his back, will he stop trusting me? Would that be just as bad for our marriage?"

"Oh my god," Sam groaned. "What at I gonna do? How the fuck am I supposed to fix this?"

"And what if Cas leaves me because he can't handle the responsibilities of raising a three-year-old without his memories?"

Sam suddenly sat up ramrod straight. "That's it!" he gasped. Dean stopped pacing and looked at him expectantly.

"What's it?"

"I know what I have to do." After a brief pause he added, "you I can't help."

Dean scoffed in disbelief. "Sammy!" he protested as Sam tore out of the room. Dean made a move to follow him, but his path was blocked by Cas standing in the doorway. Dean stiffened, bracing himself for something bad.

He wasn't expecting this.

"Dean, I... I am so sorry," the angel murmured. "You were right. I can't reconcile that version of me with this one because right now, I'm incomplete. I need my memories back."

Dean positively _beamed_.

"Please forgive me," Cas pleaded.

"For what, baby?" Dean asked, grinning. Cas' lips turned up at the corners just a little, and Dean leaned over to plant a gentle kiss on them.

"Sam!" he shouted over his husband's head. There was a pause, and then Sam's muffled shout came back.

"What!"

"Cas wants his memories back! We're going to do this!"

A couple seconds of silence, and then Sam appeared behind his brother-in-law. "Okay, I'll deal with my shit later." He clapped his hands together. "Let's get this show in the road!"

* * *

Cas (with the assistance of Crowley) managed to pinpoint the witch through the use of some kind of weird Grace spell reverse-engineering angel bullshit. Sam's brain hurt, so he stopped trying to understand it.

Sam and Dean stood together over a table spread with books, maps, pictographs, newspaper clippings, and printouts. Anything they could get their hands on that might help at all. And they made a plan.

(The plan was brute strength.)

* * *

Agatha Jessen whistled softly to herself as she locked the door to her shed. She turned to head down the path through her garden and grunted in surprise as her vision went dark she went down on the pavement.

She came to in a small room with dull, whitewashed walls and no furniture in it save for the uncomfortable wooden chair she was tied to.

Three men were in the room with her; one with close-cropped brown hair and green eyes, wearing an AC/DC graphic tee and a leather jacket; an exceptionally tall, thing man with hazel eyes and a haircut reminiscent of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ; and one who made her suck in her breath.

He had messy black hair, kaleidoscopic ocean blue eyes, and a floor-length beige trench coat.

And she knew him.

A name sprang to her mind unbidden, and before she could stop herself, she uttered it. " _Castiel_?"

All three men started. Kaleidoscope Eyes was the first to recover. "You remember me." His voice was surprisingly deep.

She nodded. "That man gave me your description and your name and told me to perform an extremely complicated memory spell on you. He said he'd give me everything I needed, plus a power-up and he paid me four times what I'm worth for it."

"When was this?" Leather Jacket demanded.

"Three years ago. The man - I don't know who he was - brought him to me and said 'take all the time you need'. It ended up being about ten weeks."

Agatha couldn't explain why she was so terrified. People almost never intimidated her enough to get her to spill her guts. But there was something about the two humans - because yes, she _was_ aware that the victim of her curse was an angel - that scared her out of her skin.

Oddly, she also really wanted to help them.

"Can you reverse the spell?" Jesus Hair asked. Agatha nodded quickly.

"Untie me and I'll get right on it."

Jesus Hair shared a dubious look with Leather Jacket, but Castiel was staring straight at Agatha. "Do it," he told his companions, and Leather Jacket sighed (Agatha didn't miss the love and fondness in his eyes when he looked at the angel) before pulling out a switchblade and slicing through her bindings.

She stood and brought her hands up to her shoulders, drawing on the last residuals of whatever kind of crazy power that man had shoved into her. Thank god she didn't need any ingredients to reverse a spell she'd already performed.

After several minutes of Agatha's intense concentration, Castiel gave a gasp and stumbled. Jesus Hair caught him and handed him off to Leather Jacket. Then he shoved a door open and gave her a meaningful look.

"Go," he commanded.

She went.

* * *

Cas was passed out. At this point, Dean was sitting cross-legged on the floor with Cas' head pillowed in his lap. Every once in a while, the angel would twitch or his forehead would crease as if he was in pain, and Dean would whisper jos name or card his fingers through this hair.

It was so incredibly _domestic_ that Sam wanted to punch something.

He wasn't strong enough for this.

He and Dean sat in that room in silence for over an hour before Cas woke up.

"Dean," he gasped first thing, and Sam watched his brother's face light up.

"Cas," he whispered back in hushed relief. "Is everything okay?"

Cas reached up to touch his cheek with one hand, adoration in his eyes. "I remember you. We were married on the 15th of October, 2021. Our son, Cooper- where's Cooper? Is he alright?"

Sam smiled and held up the baby monitor before setting it down at Dean's feet.

"Is it okay if I go? There's something else important that I need to take care of."

Dean looked softly down at his husband, then looked back at his brother. Sam could see the exact moment he figured out what Sam was talking about and took pity on him.

"Go ahead, Sammy," he said softly. "We'll be okay." As an afterthought, he tossed Sam the keys to the Impala. "And take Baby. She'll get you there faster."

Sam gave him a look that couldn't possibly convey the extent of his gratitude before sprinting out of the room.

* * *

He couldn't make himself let go of it. Even though he'd broken up with Sam - again - he couldn't bring himself to put away the rings.

He didn't have it in him to let go of Sam forever yet - maybe ever. He knew he was a complete asshole but he really did love the moose.

He was wrenched out of his pity party by an insistent but brief knocking st his door. He jumped, staring at the door like a deer in headlights.

The knocking came again. "Gabriel!" someone shouted from the other side. "Let me in! We need to talk."

"Goddammit, Samsquatch," he muttered to himself as he stood to open the door. Almost before it was fully open, six feet and four inches of shaggy bisexual hunter were pushing past him into his apartment.

"Sam-" he started, but the boy cut him off.

"Gabe, it's okay. Just listen to me. It's okay, alright? I understand. Just let me talk."

Sam's eyes were kind, but even underneath that they were sparking with mischief.

Gabriel was fucking _made_ for this man.

He leaned forward and caught Gabriel's wrist, but instead of taking the white gold band - Sam's ring - that he'd been unconsciously fingering, he pulled the joke ring out of his pocket.

Slowly, agonizingly slowly, Sam slid down to the floor, onto one knee, holding a plastic ring adorned with a plastic bowl of macaroni.

It should've been ridiculous, but instead it just filled Gabriel with an overwhelming sense of pride and love. Just goes to show you how far gone he was.

"Gabriel," the hunter whispered, almost like he was praying to the archangel, as if his name was something reverent and holy (never mind that it literally was).

"Will you be bound to me in holy macaroni?"

Gabriel was crying. It was the dumbest goddamn sentence Gabe had ever heard and he was fucking crying because he loved Sam Winchester like he was about to implode and he'd fought so hard to be here, getting engaged.

"God _dammit_ , Sammich," he muttered angrily between choked-off sobs. "Of fucking course I will marry you."

Sam's answering grin was the most beautiful thing Gabriel had ever seen.

Sam put the stupid ring onto his finger and Gabriel kissed him and it was like coming home. Actually, no. It was like never leaving in the first place. When they separated, Sam laughed like he was giddy.

"You're not going to ditch me again, are you?"

Gabriel shook his head frantically. Sam idly ran his fingers through the archangel's hair.

"You know, I was thinking about what you said, about us not being meant for each other."

Gabriel stiffened against his chest and Sam smiled slightly. "Not like that," he clarified. "I just mean, you kept planning to propose and it kept not happening. You took that as a sign that we weren't supposed to get married, but I took that as a sign that maybe _I_ just needed to propose to _you_."

Gabriel looked up at him in awe. "I love you so much, Samoose."

Sam sighed happily. "I love you so much too. You have no idea."

* * *

After the fact, Castiel would remember very little of their ordeal. He would remember collapsing in anguish. He would remember the horrified look on Dean's face when he didn't remember their wedding. He would remember Agatha.

But he would definitely never forget the look on his brother's face as he gazed at Sam. He looked like he was holding the most precious thing in the universe.

Cas knew the feeling.

So he wouldn't remember much of what happened, but maybe that was okay.

He had a whole future ahead of him, and he wasn't going to give that up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "You May Be Right" by Billy Joel. 
> 
> And if y'all really want it, yes I'll write the Sabriel wedding. Cause I'm sweet like that. 
> 
> Please please _please_ give me kudos because I'm sad and lonely. 
> 
> Love,  
> -Sil

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "You May Be Right" by Billy Joel.


End file.
